The Cat in the Hat

There comes a time in any movie watching experience where a movie comes along that feels the slightest bit like it’s going to stick with you in a specific way, and sometimes that can lean in a positive way or a negative way (as is the risk of any form of entertainment for a large variety of people). In regard to the 2003 film, The Cat in the Hat, based on a very iconic character and story from beloved children’s author Dr. Seuss, the film does definitely stick with you, but only because this movie is a LIVING NIGHTMARE. Very loosely based on the 1957 book of the same name, the movie follows two children named Sally and Conrad (played by Dakota Fanning and Spencer Breslin who often cause a lot of stress for their workaholic mother, Joan (played by Kelly Preston), especially Conrad, who she is considering sending off to military school after being manipulated into doing so by her neighbor, Larry (played by Alec Baldwin), a dead-beat slob posing as a business man in order to marry her. After being left alone with a frightening racist stereotype for a babysitter, they are quite rightly deeply disturbed to find a talking humanoid cat walking around, who goes by the name of The Cat in the Hat (played by Mike Myers) and has come to provide a sense of fun and chaos into their boring afternoon. After causing more problems than expected, the two must overcome their obviously one-note flaws, set things right for their mother, and be better kids while still knowing how to have fun in a sensible way. While it has almost become a cliche now for Dr Seuss’ movies to grossly misrepresent the timeless creativity of his work, The Cat in the Hat is probably the most insulting, disgusting, offensive, manipulative, terrifying, and most disrespectful thing to ever come out with Seuss’ name attached, and even all of cinema. Often considered one of the worst movies of all time, it almost feels like an insult to even think this is meant for children; the story is non-existing, the characters are jokes, the acting is wooden, the jokes are horrible, the cinematography is invasive, and it spits on a book that, while not perfect, took kids seriously, unlike this degrading, simplified, moronic and ear-bleedingly stupid junk.

Creating a film out of the Cat in the Hat story is already one that is going to be tricky as the book relied more on its whimsical nature and quirky wordplay and tone rather than on any fleshed-out narrative. It isn’t one of Seuss’ most memorable stories and is pretty limited in many areas, but it was simple, quaint, knew how to remain entertaining with very little, and carried an important and even rare message for children about rule-breaking being an expected part of growing up and being acceptable if it never goes too far. It was well balanced, conveyed with maturity and respect for those reading it, and even the 1971 TV special was able to get this point across in a visual format, which is something that cannot be said for this film. Whatever was released doesn’t even feel like a movie, more a gag-reel of lame lines and a selling point for Universal Studios Amusement Park (which is shameless put in this movie). It would be very tricky to make a movie on this idea, but the possibilities are honestly endless with this character, yet that would only happen if the executives at Universal (who distributed this film along with DreamWorks Pictures) were actually interested in making a movie, and not just trying to recapture the success of what previously worked on Ron Howard’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (which is also complete garbage, but has a little more dignity than this). What little aspects they do showcase from the book are so minute and rushed past that they barely leave an impression, and anything added in is so forceful, cliched and dated that it does nothing but stain the original story in a very unimpressive manner. The previously mentioned impressive message gets muddled through the handling of its characters, the film has no real sense of urgency or focus anywhere, and nothing about the movie feels magical or even that creative, just spouts of pure terror and panic under the guise of being whimsical, wild and off-the-walls. This was the directorial debut for Bo Welch, who made his living as a production designer for several Tim Burton and Barry Sonnenfeld productions like Men in Black, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, Batman Returns, etc. While an undeniable talent, nobody can survive this junk, and this is a movie that really feels like its woefully destroyed by an actively poisonous script and forceful studio interference demanding the film go in a specific fashion.

Many of the actors in this film are capable performers who have proven their talents in other projects but nothing, regardless of any talent, can save an actor if they have no direction and no good material, which this movie has plenty of. Everyone has this wooden delivery that is only offset by this heavy level of haminess that’s trying to come off as quirky, which results in a lot of roles being this awful balance between under-acting and over-acting all at the same time.  It doesn’t feel like any of them are given direction, just thrown out in front of the camera, and told to say the line in whatever way they feel should work, which only adds to the uncomfortable nature of this entire project. Alec Baldwin is your typical one-note slobby bad guy (which honestly writes itself), Kelly Preston is pretty dead-pan and lifeless despite barely being in the film, Both Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning have been much better elsewhere and it does sound like they are trying in moments,  but it’s not long before they resort back to the safe and lifeless tone that they inhabit for a good chunk of this movie (which is a key sign of bad directing). The only actor that feels okay is the fish voiced by Sean Hayes, who has a good delivery even though his lines are horrible (and is barely given screen time despite being a pretty regular character in the original book). Mike Myers shows off one of his worst performances ever in this film and to his credit, all the blame isn’t entirely on him. He has absolutely nothing substantial to work with and even apparently intentionally made moments even worse to stick it back to the company that made the movie for tricking him into doing the part, which makes these absolutely abhorrent scenes of failed comedy a little bit sweeter with that knowledge but doesn’t in any way shoulder the pain they bring. His lack of personality, humor that is clearly more comfortable within the actor’s wheelhouse rather than the character’s world, and a suit that is nothing short of nightmare fuel that feels more restrictive than anything else, the annoyance level anytime he is on-screen, which is a good majority, is incredibly high. You can feel from almost every decision made from this movie that the studio was desperately trying to replicate the live-action Grinch, with Myers obviously being told to replicate Jim Carrey with his exaggerated movements and extreme voice, except Myers is the exact wrong choice for that kind of performance, so it comes as slow and unfocused. He never seems engaged in the movie and instead too busy making bad jokes to the camera, it felt like a stand-up routine with a horrifying costume attached. When the centerpiece of your movie is this insufferable and annoying, it’s never going to lead to success.

One of the ONLY slight positives surrounding this picture is in its production and how unique it looks and feels. While Bo Welch is definitely a novice director, it feels like he has a stronger talent at directing his sets and visuals than he does his actors and story, as its only element of this film that feels the least bit salvageable and even (to be fair) pretty interesting.  While the colors are a bit too overpowering and the camerawork by cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki can get way too active in parts and provides a claustrophobic sense that in itself is a little uncomfortable, most of the sets, environments and the overall production design by Alex McDowell (who arguably kept some of his surreal and abstract visual cues from working on movies like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Fight Club) feels like something that does feel like a Seuss environment with its vibrant colors, obscure and swirl-focused design, and its quirky construction. The main score of the movie done by composer David Newman is also pretty nice, (even if it sounds like a lot of his other scores) with some soft instrumentation and child-like tone which leads to a deceptively charming piece that is subsequently never used outside of the opening credits and instead replaced with awful pop songs and truly horrifying song numbers (it felt dirty giving this movie any compliments, so it was nice of the film to throw them away like that). Clearly the worst aspect of this film is the script, with the writing for this film by Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer being beyond hopeless and pathetic. While these three have collectively written for popular shows like Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, none of them showcase any form of inventive comedy when writing this flick. Every low brow joke, every pop culture reference, every outdated modern joke, every racist opportunity to be exploited, every joke that kindergartners wouldn’t laugh at, every joke that you’d expect even the lowest common denominator to not find funny, are all featured here and just leave a sickening feeling in your stomach. This kind of humor is horribly dated and childish, removing a timeless appeal from a timeless story and dumbing it down to the lowest form of entertainment.

The Cat in the Hat is awful, one of the worst movies ever made and definitely not one to even think about showing to kids (unless it’s a form of punishment). The mere fact that it’s related to someone like Dr Seuss who created such charming stories with memorable characters, bright inventive visuals, and grown-up and meaningful life lesson, which is now being represented by movies like this mistake of a film is truly sickening and a major insult. If anyone has the ability to like this film, nothing is wrong with it and that shouldn’t be taken away from them, but it doesn’t feel humanly possible to experience joy during this horror (when even Dr Seuss’ own widow, Audrey Geisel, prohibited any future live-action adaptation of his work after seeing this picture, that is a true sign of the film’s quality). The jokes are awful, the acting is stale, the story is ridiculously unfocused, any goodness surrounding the production design is there but barely used, and the only goal or purpose this movie has, is to make children dumber and the people who made it money, nothing more nothing less. A despicable product with no soul and no thought, a scary experience with no joy in sight, a big disgusting hair ball of a ‘’film’’.