A Minecraft Movie

We live in a world where audiences have the power to influence how a movie gets made, especially when it’s based on a pre-existing property. The most recent example of this was with the Sonic the Hedgehog movie, where the titular character was redesigned from an uncanny abomination into something more like his game appearance after fans made their voices heard. People were hoping something similar would happen with the then upcoming Minecraft movie, as the initial teaser was lampooned with negative reaction after negative reaction as many took issue with it being set in live action, the disturbing looking visuals, and Jack Black being cast as the main character, Steve. While realistically, there would’ve been no plausible way of quickly fixing all these complaints without draining thousands of dollars on what already looked like an expensive movie, there was a least some hope that things might not turn out so disastrously after the second trailer impressed people a little bit more, leaving the door open for how this adaptation was going to pan out.

A young teen named Henry (played by Sebastian Hansen) moves to the small town of Chuglass, Idaho, with his older sister, Natalie (played by Emma Myers) after the passing of their mother, and despite Henry’s natural gift for building, he has a hard time fitting in. After finding a video game store owned by Garrett ‘’The Garbage Man’’ Garrison (played by Jason Momoa), a former video game champion who has fallen on hard times, Henry finds a mysterious glowing box that when paired with a clear patterned box, leads the two to a giant pixelized portal in an abandoned mine. After Natalie and their real estate agent, Dawn (played by Danielle Brooks) get roped in as well, the four are transported to The Overworld, a place where everything is cubic in nature, time of day changes in an instant, and anything can be built with the right materials. After the clear box is destroyed by raging skeletons (which was their only ticket home), the four are saved by Steve (played by Jack Black), a human who entered the Overworld years ago, but was imprisoned by the evil piglin ruler, Malgosha (voiced by Rachel House), who plans to take over the Overworld through the use of the blue box (otherwise known as the Orb of Dominance). With the orb now back in Malgosha’s vicinity, Steve will lead the group to where they can find what they need to escape back home, all while being chased by Malgosha’s goons.

A Minecraft Movie had very little chance of being good in the first place, but the worst it should’ve provided was a harmlessly bland and unfocused game-to-film adaptation, and yet it turned out much worse than that. While maybe not to the level of atrocious people were expecting and will probably entertain kids fine, this is a horribly written, blandly acted, pathetically directed feature that inspires mediocrity rather than inventiveness.

Considering the fact that Minecraft is still to this day one of the most successful video games ever to be released that has remained commercially viable as well as critically applauded through continual updates and media coverage, the 2011 Swedish sandbox game developed by Mojang Studios would obviously make for a profitable feature and it wouldn’t even feel that out of place as it’s still in the public eye (even though a film would’ve fit better a decade earlier when it was at its peak popularity). With that said, making a film about a game based around building wouldn’t be easy, and considering Warner Brothers began development for a film as early as 2014, it seems even the creatives had no concrete idea of how to create one. After a long period of going through different writers and directors, they finally decided on Jared Hess in 2022, paired up with Legendary to co-produce, and brought on Chris Bowman and Hubbel Palmer to help rewrite a script preconstructed by several other writers. The end result was a movie that appropriately feels several years old, unbelievably stale in the joke and drama department, and despite containing a basic understanding of the game, lacks any of its productive mindset or creative freedom. The story written by Bowman, Palmer and Allison Schroeder feels ripped right out of a lazy video game adaptation from the 1980s, which is fitting given how the movie is drenched in an 80s aesthetic (down to certain clothing choices, music used during certain scenes, and character archetypes) and this not only makes it feel unbelievably confused and desperate (the game was released in 2011, so it doesn’t even match up), but also unbearably predictable, turning what should be a peacefully adventurous journey into a formulaic trek.

What really makes this film insufferable is Jared Hess as the director. While the script written by Bowman, Palmer, Neil Widener, Gavin James and Chris Galletta is a travesty in its own right with no meaningful lines from either a comedic or dramatic perspective, directors do have the power to assist sinking projects with the correct spin, but all Hess does is shove it further into the water. He takes what should at worst be a lazy, formulaic picture meant only to prop up a popular game, and makes it a surreal, irritating fever dream that’s more like a confused sketch comedy rather than a big-budgeted studio feature. The actors barely feel invested in what they’re saying, the jokes range from lame zingers to uncomfortably long cringe fests, the loud hyperactive tone feels entirely separate from the game’s more tranquil atmosphere, and the pace of the story is simultaneously too fast to get invested in and too slow for the limited content it has. His past experience directing films like Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre explains the bizarre tone and sense of humor, but those movies at least had an uncommon personality which helped make them underground favorites, whereas this film feels very bland, cynical and extremely corporate.

Since Minecraft doesn’t really have characters outside of a voiceless protagonist and various mobs of friends and enemies, you would need to build them from scratch. While this could open the door for wildly distinct personalities, as to be expected with such a predictable story and script, these roles are anything but interesting, feel incredibly bland and stale, and in spite of having nothing to base on, some feel very poorly cast. Jack Black’s casting as Steve was heavily mocked online (not helped out by his pathetic line reading in the first teaser), which is pretty telling considering Steve has no definable characteristics or traits, and yet people still vehemently said he didn’t fit the part. Given how he worked with Hess previously in Nacho Libre and he’s been attached to many recent video game adaptations like The Super Mario Bros. Movie and Borderlands, it’s no surprise he’s featured here as well, but his original role as a talking pig cameo was later switched to being the lead, which was a huge mistake as he is easily the worst part of this movie. While he can be funny when used correctly, Jack Black isn’t a surefire success, and every second he’s on screen feels phony, aimless, and way too overly passionate to the point of irritation. Outside of being the guiding hand in this new world, he adds very little to the story and actively takes time away from characters that should’ve had more focus. Jason Momoa is similarly trying too hard with material not strong enough to support him, and while nowhere near as annoying and forced as Jack Black, the two are given way too much screentime and bring the little credibility this film had down several notches.

On the flipside, the remainder of the cast, while not necessarily acted in a stronger manner, have at least some credibility and control over the performances. Most of the background roles aren’t anything that memorable, but don’t stick around long enough to embarrass themselves (it’s sad when Jennifer Coolidge has more dignity than Jason Momoa and Jack Black), and while Rachel House plays a very weak villain with a lame backstory, design and writing, her cool sounding voice at least gives her a little bit of a plus. Even though Sebastian Hansen, Emma Myers and Danielle Brooks are positioned as leads, they feel so secondary next to Jack Black and Jason Momoa’s shenanigans that they very quickly get sidelined, which is annoying because in a better constructed script, the kids would’ve been the main focus. While Hansen still feels pretty fresh as an actor, he has all the workings to be the film’s lead, yet since that title was literally stolen from him, he’s left with little to work with and his minimal dialogue doesn’t make things any easier. Danielle Brooks and Emma Myers are easily the best actors in the movie (probably because they’ve actually been in good, competently written stuff), but they also do very little and have little to no character, so it’s another case of backwards logic this film seems to perpetually exude.

The choice to put this film in live action is a common trope for a lot of video game adaptations since they strangely prefer the safe look of reality over the personalized look of their own source, but what makes this one doubly painful is that the visuals just look absolutely hideous, with uncanny creature designs, so much visual excess to the point of feeling overwhelming, and sets that look like something out of a theme park. Ironically, while definitely an eyesore, it actually turns out to be one of its least offensive elements. It still looks and feels out-of-place and not like something that cost $150 million dollars to make, but at the same time, the film has so many more pressing issues that some odd visuals honestly feel like the least of its problems. It does at least get a broad visual sense of how the game looks, it’s certainly a colorful feature that isn’t lacking in producing some head-turning moments, there are a few part that feel painfully green-screened but there are at least some sets to help balance out this issue, and while some of the creatures and inhabitants are unpleasant to look at, this visual design was never going to look good in the world of live-action, so this awkward in-between of uncanny realism is probably the best it was going to look. It’s not preferred, but it could’ve been a lot worse. The frequent use of pop music doesn’t match with the game’s atmosphere (as it was usually accompanied by a wonderfully subtle ambient piano melody) and feels more like a studio or director decision, but at least the songs aren’t terrible (although it is painful any time Jack Black randomly sings out of nowhere).

A Minecraft Movie honestly would’ve been better if fans and players just made it themselves, because even if the game looks rudimentary and basic on the outside, the various monuments, models and explorative levels based on other franchises made within its engine were created by a genuinely passionate fanbase who knew how to work with its simplicity and used their own ingenuity to produce some truly magical creations that are still admired to this day. The best this movie could do is dull the senses and leave the brain immediately after, as this misguided attempt at capitalizing on a massive IP feels as old and tired as the story and script attached to it. While the visual design isn’t as disgusting as predictable, Emma Myers, Sebastian Hansen, and Danielle Brooks give decent performances, and for kids and people who just want to turn their brain off, it’ll function as a pointless waste of time (which proves to be working considering how much money it’s already making), this is a strange journey you’ll never want to revisit. No amount of diamond will be able to bring a shine to this rotten wooden block.